Mind Spill

My situation has hardly changed since the last time I have written. I am still in El Paso and I am still technically single.

My job at OptionsXpress did not last long. I was laid off 2 weeks ago. The situation was explained to me rather coldly and bluntly as this:

“We hired eight of you thinking that only one or maybe even two would make it this far. We didn’t think all eight of you would have stayed so long. As a result, we over hired for the amount of volume we are having. We had to let three of you go.”

So much for high aspirations of actually wanting to get my Series 7 certification. What upsets me most about the situation is that I put my school aside for the purpose of focusing on my Series 7, which is one mammoth of a test.

At this time, I’ve got my last severance pay from them and am expecting unemployment soon. This won’t be enough for us to live comfortably on, so David was going to move in with us in August.

I just spent a week with David in Clovis and things were certainly less than rosy. He ‘broke up’ with me a week and a half ago, simply because I went out with a female friend. The things he wrote were deeply painful and almost unforgiveable. It was no surprise that when I arrived in Clovis, I was less than thrilled to see him.

Unfortunately, I tend to be the forgiving kind. The problem is that he continued to shoot himself in the foot during my stay, so to speak.

Relationships are such complicated and heart breaking things. I find myself unwilling to go down that road again for a while, although I have to admit that I take solace in the presence of a partner. I would have to really force myself to continue my self imposed relationship exile.

I will make physical fitness my new drug. For so long I have used other harmless crutches to self medicate… perhaps this new pacifier can bring some positive influence into my life. I often gaze at the reflection before me and realize that the years of stress and sadness have twisted me into a shadow of my former self. I need to do something about it.

Another thing on my list is my obsession with joining the military. Specifically the Navy. Since I was in high school at Gadsden High School, joining the Navy was a dream of mine. After all, I had spent 2 years in NJROTC and had taken all the placement tests to get potentially accepted into the Navy. I had these grandiose visions of being in Naval Intelligence or even the CIA.

Then I got pregnant. This poses an entirely new obstacle even now that my son is considerably older.

In order for me to join the Navy, I must either 1. Get Married or 2. Give up the rights to my son, who is now 5 years old. There is no way I am doing either. I feel that the recruiter who I spoke with was likely a chauvinist pig who would rather have his shiny shoes pissed on by the transient down the street than to help a single mother out.

All in all, I need to lose at least 35 pounds before I can even think of joining the Navy. I am not sure how long that will realistically take but losing the weight and getting a job is my first priority of the moment.

Wish me luck.



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